I don't want to be a cunt any more.


But i'm unsure what to dooooooo.

I intend to get these lyrics tattooed somewhere on my person, in the very near future.

It will be part of my comemorative "2004" tattoo, essentially banging on about the fact i shouldn't steal be alive. I listened to this song a lot when i was ill. I find the lyrics relevent the way i interpret them for that situation. And for some reason i feel the need to broadcast the feelings i felt then as well as the joy/guilt of still being alive now.

AFI - God Called In Sick Today.

Let's admire the pattern forming
Murderous filigree
I'm caught in the twisting of the vine
Go ascend with ivy, climbing
Ignore and leave for me
The headstone crumbling behind

I can't help my laughter as she cries
My soul brings tears to angelic eyes

Let's amend the classic story
Close it so beautifully
I'll let animosity unwind
Steal away the darkened pages
Hidden so shamefully
I'll still feel the violence of the lies

I can't stand my laughter as they cry
My soul brings tears to angelic eyes

And miles away my mother cried
Omnipotence, nurturing malevolence

I can't stand my laughter as they cry
My soul brings tears to angelic eyes

And miles away my mother cried
Omnipotence, nurturing malevolence

My good mood is wearing off.


As far as i can tell, i'm still on the roll mentioned previously... I've got some extra hours already at work leading to more money and probably my purchasing of an Xbox 360. Huzzah.


The depressing thing however is that Microsoft's expensive, kettle-shaped lump of shiny plastic could well be my only company soon the way i'm going. I feel like i'm slowly becoming completely alone. Everyone will be moving on once more and I'll be remaining here, where i always was.


I never did get to see Fay. She leaves for Japan on Wednesday after doing all she could to avoid seeing me. Our relationship is not nearly as on the road to repair as i had previously thought. This has made me think about her a lot more recently and while thinking of the good times hurts, knowing those will never return, two other things hurt more... The first being that I will probably never find anyone like her or experience another relationship as good as that with anybody else. 

The second is what hurts the most. Remembering how she suddenly, in the space of what seemed seconds, went from being the girl who i loved, who saved my life and thought the world of me, who gave me the strength to actually do something, ever.... Just... turned on me. Decided she hated me. Refused to even acknowledge my existence for a year. Developed an incredibly low opinion of me and everything that i am. Perhaps she just woke up.

My attempts at building bridges with anyone i have ever cared about appear to be futile. This saps any energy and strength that i previously would have used to build new ones. To have the balls to actually speak up. To be Mr Friendly-Approachable and try to create new relationships where i'd fucked the others up. 

I'm not sure the purpose of this rant, or even what my original point was.

Still, too fucking late now, that took shitting ages.

I'm on some sort of FACKING roll...

After just over a year i'm actually starting to feel like ME again. If i can keep certain aspects of what i've learned/begun since last June and get back to being who i am again i think i could be looking at a decent chapter here.

Started my job on Wednesday. While it's not exactly intillectually stimulating it IS money... eventually... and i'm glad some one finally gave me something to do... Yesterday i went in dressed as a pirate. Hilarity ensued. 

I have something jolly fun booked for next Saturday that i am quite looking forward to... My theory test is booked for the following week, the jobcentre are still paying fo my lessons and apparently i can screw some brand new clothes out of the bastards. So i will. Mwahaaaa. Ha.


In other news, Fay is talking to me again... This makes me a bit happy... While the odds of a true reconcilliation seem way off (and i'm not sure how much of a good idea that would be anyway) it's still good that we're speaking and not maintaining a bitter silence. I hope we can be friends at least. 

I saw Lewis on Friday night for the first time in MONTHS. We made plans for a drinking and Pro Evo session in Blaina. I can't wait. It seems all aspects of my life, social or otherwise are receiving a firm kick up the arse. 

About fucking time.

:D